A guest post by Teddy "Two-Lunches" Perleberg - Covid-19 Lockdown Opposition Commander
This post is from Teddy "Two-Lunches" Perleberg, a long lost cousin from my Grandfather Otto's side who is an anti-lockdown warrior on the Covid-19 front. I will turn this over to him now:
From Teddy: April 19, 2020, O Thirteen Hundred. First off, I want to start with a video to show you how deadly serious the anti-lockdown militia is about fighting off the oppressive actions of these state govanoors. This is me with my armaments. By the way, my nom de guerre is Teddy Two Lunches, but don't ask me how they came up with that. I thought it would be Wyatt Earp or something close to that, but this name has just kind of stuck. Also, shout out to Barbara P, my long lost cousin. She is good people and doin' everthing in her power to eradicate the indoctrination of our kids in public skools. Maybe, just maybe, if there was no public skools, there would be no need for me to lay my life on the line to liberate you all.
Now my position in the militia is one of the members of our strategic command, and we have mapped out our assault on these govanoors by making plans that we are never far from supply lines. And while you newbies might think of supply lines as bein neer guns and ammo stores, it is also about the proximitry to fast food outlets and places that sell chewin tobacco and places that might still have public restrooms with toilet paper. We in the militia will sometimes go commando, but no one wants to have to go without bung wad. And usin' your hand and hopin' to clean it off in the sink when we's pressed for time will not do.
Today we's in Nevada. Nevada is strategic for a lot of reasons. No one told me those reasons, so I cant tell you, because I am on the supply chain logistiks side of this fight, not always on the front lines. My mission is to get in and out of Nevada with the fewest number of casualties, and get a map together so that we can descend into Arizona by noon on the 20th while never being 15 minutes from an open fast food restaurant. They do not assign these logistiks assignments to me by random, and failyur is not an option. We plan on desendin into the Phoenix area and holing up at the Kirby Compound, which is in a place called Paradise in the Valley, not to far from the Arizona state capitl.
Now this Kirby compound rondayvoo is super important, because she is part of the command team and relays our orders from our lord and saveyur, Donald J. Trump. We was having a debate about what the "J" stands for in his name and there is a mountain of proof that it actually stands for "Jesus." One of our commanders said that if so many mexican baseball players can be named "Jesus" that there aint no reason that our president cant be named "Jesus" to.
We also spent a lot of time trying to pick a battle song that we can all sing when we are marching and we was real close to choosin "Dont Fence Me In" wich was written by some guy named Cold Porter. So here we was thinking this was the perfect song about not being kept penned up because Roy Rodgers sang it with his horse in a movie and then we come to find out that this Porter guy was queer and that he also let Ella Fitzgerald sing it, which also makes him a race traitor. So that song got nixed. We settled on "These Colours Don't Run" by Iron Maiden. We can't sing the song, but there is a lot of air guitar and also we can blast it from the speakers in our trucks.
I know you are asking me why I am laying it all on the line for the people who don't understand and I will explane this as best as I can. About a year ago, my doctor told me I am borderline suffering from obesity (although I do not have any symptoms) and he is a large animal vetrinarian so I think he knows what he might be talking about. He figurs that about 300,000 people dies each year from complications from obesity, But since I have been listening to our saveyur, and he thinks that this Corona virus is only gonna kill about 100,000 people, I think my chances are better with that than with getting that obesity.
I don't know what will happen next, and I am writin this as it unfolds, so this is some up to the minute stuff you are gettin and I am not even supposed to be telling anyone any of this stuff, but Barb, I think you can be trusted to keep this secret. I am going to put my pen down now because they are coming back with the first load of double-doubles and some animal style fries, and a soldier needs his fuel. I hear there is a new plan to cure the Corona virus that we will be made privy to at the Kirby compound, so more on that after we get down there.