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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

Happy 4th - The Ladyboard Catch-up + Denise Comes Home

Updated: Aug 1, 2018

Hi everyone and I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July, a time when we commemorate our victory over those British vermin and that whole tea party thing where they tossed in that stuff, I guess it was tea, into the harbor so that they would not have to pay taxes on it. I guess philosophically, I am kind of a tea party person, because I believe in that whole thing about no taxation without representation, and in my own way, that is what I have brought to the Governing Board of the Scottsdale Unified School District: no representation. Sure, I look the part, sitting up there with my gavel, and I do love the opportunity to practice my gavelstry, but in reality, I have brought the district nothing, and that is the premise of me. If I don't represent the constituents, then they have nothing really to complain about. I know this last part sounds convoluted, but think about it a while and you will most likely see it my way.

Ok, so last Saturday, Denise and Kay came into town and stayed at the Omni Montelucia Hotel and Spa for a little bit of pampering and the Ladyboard was summoned to meet them at the bar there, called Prado. Now, I know that I am famous for my combination blousy pantsuits and weird little get-ups that I throw together that are supposed to convey seriousness (this was a dressing tip I learned from my old boss at that investment fund where I served as secretary that got shut down for fraud - my boss was always saying "dress British and think Yiddish" - I have no idea what this last thing meant because I am not Jewish, but I covered this fact before about my grandfather so I will not go into it here), but the one thing I was not expecting to see was Denisey wearing what kind of looked like a tutu and bra outfit when I walked in the door. She looked like a groupie from a Katy Perry concert. I mean it was just a little bit startling because Denisey always favored her power suits, those pin stripe numbers that made her come across like a female version of Al Capone and I think that was part of her intimidation strategy. Kay of course, was dressed appropriately and she still had that withering gaze that scares the living sh-t out of me.

I was wondering how those two could afford to stay at the Montelucia because after the joint bank account scam was exposed, I don't think our district's vendors are continuing to deposit money into their accounts, but then I remembered we sent her packing with a gift of a few hundred thousand dollars, and I was able to understand the economics of the situation a bit better. Well, what's done is done.

Pam rolled in to the Montelucia and she was as usual, hotter than a two dollar pistol. As I am sure you know by now, SUSD will get to keep the land that Pam wanted to sell at Copper Ridge, and she was hoping to get a big commission from that sale, and with that possibility out the window, she was back to bitching that she was going to have to try to find another husband. If anyone knows a rich guy in his eighties who would like to keep company with Pam, let me know because I am setting up her Tinder account. Kim and I had to have an intervention with her a few weeks ago to explain this reality to her and tell her that her only hope was to pull one of those Anna-Nicole Smith deals where she marries someone who has one foot in the grave already, because the competition is really stiff for rich guys in their fifties. Obviously, that is not the type of news that Pam wanted to hear and she threw a hissy fit, and started throwing stuff at us. I thought that Sandy was a goner because Pam heaved a Baccarat cigar ashtray at her, but Sandy slipped out of the way just like Ali, and the ashtray smashed into the stone fireplace. I have not seen anyone move like that with the exception of Sensei Wai So Dim, my gavelstry instructor, and Sandy's past evasion at the stapler that Kim threw at her slipped my memory. And really, I must say, that it was really sh-tty of Pam to heave that ashtray at Sandy because she was not really participating in the intervention and was still fixated on why there were not many applicants for District employment named Barney. I don't like it when Pam bullies Sandy, but I must admit, better her than me.

So, when Pam was confronted with the reality that she is going to have to get another rich husband to make ends meet, that is when she decided that she would just come forward with her ideas about closing schools, so she could earn commission from steering the property to developers, which she slipped into the last seconds of our last meeting. I mean realistically, I don't blame her, and having to get into bed with some old, hairy, smelly codger is no way to have to earn a living. My hope is that because the schools she wants to sell off are in South Scottsdale, which is the most economically depressed part of Scottsdale, no one of political importance will really figure out that we are stranding the most economically disadvantaged people in the District and leaving them without schools. Also, due to the idiocy of the people that felt that separating kids from their parents was somehow unacceptable, the Kirby-Hartmann initiative to boost the District's enrollment was ground to a halt, a complete halt. You know, my grandfather Otto, who was killed in Auschwitz (covered in this story here, would have never drawn the parallel between Hitler and Trump, and he would have known.

Lastly, the subject of the Montelucia meeting was that Kriekard is having a terrible effect on our earnings and kickbacks. While we are fighting him tooth and nail, he was able to get rid of Chestnut, and Chestnut was one of the few remaining people who would be under the thumb of Denise and Kay, so they are not too happy because it really cuts down on their joint bank account deposits from our vendors. Ybarra, unfortunately, is not in a position to steal anything more than office supplies and we hear she has been targeted by Kriekard. Oh and second to last - my lawsuit against that f-cking parody website is going nowhere, and I have been trying to figure out a way to save face and withdraw the complaint so that I do not end up losing my house in litigation, but I am at a crossroads. I cannot believe this blogger has first amendment rights and if anyone even told me about these amendments or that they existed in the first place, I'd have never ventured down this road. I just feel that life is unfair and these union members and people who could not heal themselves have just turned my tenure at the Governing Board into a really unpleasant experience. I heard the blogger will reveal their identity, just to taunt me. They better know the highest degree of defense moves against someone skilled in Purple Housecoat levels of gavelstry, and that includes the llama shield, which I know for a fact has not been taught outside of Tibet for more than 1,610 years.

I'll write soon, but if there is a delay, know that I'll be out canvassing for Diane Douglas and doing whatever Pam tells me to do.

Miss you all,


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