Dear SUSD Community,
This is a pretty long post but it is a very good one because I am going to show you how I am enriching myself improperly at the expense of the District. Although I have not written to you for almost exactly 9 months, I don't want you to confuse my neglect in communicating with you for my complete disdain for you. I know many of you thought that I would just slink off into the night or shirk from my board responsibilities with the addition of two new members, but I assure you that I am as dedicated as I have always been to wrecking the District, and not only for myself but for Pam and my new bestie, Sandy Kravetz. Sandy and I have become much closer because of the makeup of the new board and she has taken up the fight for me against that new board member Jann-Michael and a certain fat bald relative of his whose name is just too odious to mention. I swear to my Grandfather Otto (you know the one who perished in a concentration camp when he fell out of a guard tower) that every time I see that fat bald bastard at our board meetings I just pass a little gas and then deploy a small electric fan to push it over in Jann-Michael's direction. Because of a certain genetic condition, I can pass gas at will and if you ever watch Jann-Michael at the board meetings and his eyes are blinking rapidly, I can tell you that my flatulence is the cause of that. I know that I put Sandy at risk every-time I do this because my little cloud of destruction has to pass right by her, but she has tragically lost her sense of smell from falling on her face too many times as a result of the fact that she locks herself in the house so often and the escape through the window she climbs out of has a ridge on the ledge that always catches her shoe on the way out. I cannot verify if this is actually true or if Sandy made this up to disguise the fact that she might actually like the smell, but I digress.
So when I last left off, or last wrote to you, I was in the midst of suing me for writing this blog about me. And then, through the help of my attorney who is not really an attorney, Christine Schild, but who wrote my lawsuit and my subpoena, I found out that I was not the one writing the blog. You cannot imagine the relief that came over me when I found out that I was not the one writing about me. I know, sounds crazy, but I had been hitting the Purple Shishkaberry in my vape pipe so hard that I was pretty sure that I was writing this blog for my website. So when I found out it was that fat bald bastard relative of Jann-Michael's, I was so relieved because it was actually this blog that did so much harm to the harm to the District.
People think that it was Pam, Kim, Sandy and I that brought the criminal filth of Birdwell to the District and you all blamed us for that. Ha - fake news! It was this blog! People blame Pam, Kim, Sandy and me for approving the firing of all of the teachers at Coronado and making them grovel for their jobs back. Ha - fake news again! It was this blog! People blame us for knocking down Hopi and they say that when I told the community to "Heal Thyself" when they expressed their concerns (like the fact that we handed a ton of money to a convicted felon who was not an architect) it was to cover-up their well placed concerns. Again, fake news! This blog knocked down Hopi and this blog has been responsible for the 16% loss of enrollment to the District for the seven years I have been on the board, the churn of Superintendents, and every terrible thing that has happened at SUSD. So this is why I had to sue this blog, to protect the honor of the district and the Board, it had nothing to do with the fact that this blog ridiculed me. So let's get one thing straight: this blog is the root of all evil and unless I can put this blog out of business, Sandy, me, Pam, Christine, Kim, and the District: we are all going to perish.
So, as I was saying, at first I was super relieved that it was not me, while higher than giraffe p-ssy on that Purpkle Shishkaberry I have been smoking, who was writing this infernal combination of mockery and low-brow tasteless humor about me and my besties on the board and my awesome non-attorney CS, until I found out who the writer was. I can't say his name because legend has it if you say it three times, he is like Beatlejuice and he just shows up at your house accompanied by pestilence, famine, and halitosis and it can ruin your life, not to mention your property values. So I will refer to the writer as "FBBFOBM" - this stands for Fat Bald Bastard, Father of Board Member.
Well, as soon as I published the article in the newspaper bragging about what I'd done, exposing FBBFOBM, I learned that FBBFOBM is to litigation what I am to incompetence, and that he has a history of not allowing himself to be pushed around, and I just soiled myself. I don't mean those little clouds of flatulence that I can call up at will, I mean this was a full blown diaper buster that took me about twenty five minutes to scrub from the interior of the car. I should have been smarter about picking this fight, but that is my best quality, not being smart. Being conniving, yes, but smart is what Pam was in charge of and now of course, I am all alone with Sandy. So, unfortunately, FBBFOBM filed a lawsuit against me, as we all know, and I don't mind telling you, that it is just the worst thing that ever happened to me in my whole life, and I'll tell you why. Lawsuits cost money, moolah, dinero, etc., and when you do something stupid like abuse the judicial process or violate someone's first amendment rights, you better have the moolah to defend yourself. This was what my non-lawyer Christine Schild forgot to tell me about. You'd think before I filed that lawsuit and did something on my own that was so catastrophically stupid, that I'd get a real lawyer and ask what could go wrong, but deep thinking, as I said, was Pam's responsibility. So I mean to tell you that I was on the run, because I just do not have the quan to back up my ineptitude and vindictive stupidity. You know, all those years I was a compliance officer at that hedge fund that got shut down for fraud, you'd think I'd have gained some experience about how the world works, but that is just not the case. And this is not something they teach you in gavelstry.
So I needed a lawyer to defend myself, one who would do the work for free or one I would not have to pay for, a real attorney, not Christine, and what did I do? I went back to the district and explained to Michelle that my lawsuit against the parody website, filed by me personally with help from Christine Schild, my unlicensed attorney, which did not list the District as a plaintiff, an action never approved by the Governing Board, accompanied by the articles I published in various newspapers, also never approved by the Governing Board, had to be considered official SUSD Board actions and that because of this I was entitled to be defended by the SUSD Insurance Trust, which is the Trust pays premiums to the Arizona School Risk Retention Trust. So, my claim was sent to the AZ School Risk Retention Trust and they sent me this letter in which they pointed out that my actions 1) were not actions undertaken by the District, 2) they were not approved by the District, and that 3) I was clearly not acting as a District employee when I filed that lawsuit against the Parody website to unmask who was ridiculing me. I mean, here's the letter from the Trust and you can read their denials yourself.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=138_hsXeim8wPYhOQFwMJHLyqjURyNJUB
And this is why Sandy and I have grown so close. Because you never know the character of someone until you are in that foxhole, and someone is making fun of your extraordinarily poor comical leadership as an elected official, and you have done something stupid as an individual that you are going to have to pay for personally. A situation in which there is no hope that the District is going to haul your ashes out of the fire, and then, like a beacon of sunshine on a foggy London day, Sandy said, "Barbara, I have a plan."
Look, to show you how upset I was at the time, just look at these texts I sent to Kim, another bygone besty:
Ok, back on point because after Sandy told me her plan, I just started crying. It was beautiful in it's simplicity and sure to work. I don't know if I mentioned this, but Sandy and I have been going to Orange Theory pretty regularly and that, when mixed in with my Gavelstry, means that I am in pretty amazing shape. This is going to come into play later. So just remember this part.
So here was Sandy's plan: First, Sandy, since she sits on the Board of the SUSD Trust, (which is the client of the AZ School Risk Retention Trust), with a guy from Jones Skelton, (the firm that is actually now defending me and providing me with the gift of a free legal defense), would talk to the Trust and her fellow Director so that they could lean on the AZ School Risk Retention Trust informally about how important it was to defend me. The second part of the plan involved finding out who makes the decisions for providing coverage at the trust, kidnapping the guy and threatening to kill him, and then we make him reverse his decision. So I said to Sandy, "We don't know how to do that kind of stuff." But Sandy said, "Barb, sometimes you are just so stupid, your non-attorney Christine Schild does, and she can help us because she plead guilty to threatening to kill two people with a handgun in 2011 and actually attended a seminar where she learned to kill people and make it look like suicide." There is a super good explanation about Christine's capabilities in this area right here in this video:
I have to tell you I was not excited to go back to Christine because she is the unlicensed attorney who got me into this mess in the first place, but Sandy did have a point. With Christine's prior guilty plea for threatening to kill two people with a gun, and her professed knowledge of how to kill someone and make it look like suicide, who better to help us craft our plan? Plus, as I mentioned above, it should not be forgotten that Sandy Kravetz sits of the Board of the SUSD Trust along with an attorney from Jones Skelton, the law firm that does a ton of work for the Trust (including the McCarthy case and my case, just to mention two), and because the SUSD Trust makes premium payments to the AZ School Risk Retention Trust that would provide my free defense coverage if their ruling could be reversed, this was worth a try.
You should not think that having a Jones Skelton partner on the board of the SUSD Trust, which steers SUSD Trust premiums to the AZ School Risk Retention Trust as a client of the AZ School Risk Retention Trust, who then has Jones Skelton do the legal defense work for the AZ School Risk Retention Trust, is a conflict of interest any more than you should think that Denise Birdwell having a joint bank account into which vendors to the District were depositing money was a conflict of interest. I certainly did not think it a conflict of interest and that is why I voted, if you recall, to pay Denisey off. It is just business as usual for SUSD's Board.
So Sandy and I drove out to see Christine. When we got to her home, as usual, she was baking up a storm. Sandy, in a manner reminiscent of the way she speaks at Board Meetings, tried to tell Christine what we needed. Christine seemed to get the gist of it, which was only after she slapped Sandy twice in the face to keep her focused, and directed us to a book on a shelf in her kitchen, right next to a copy of the Joy of Cooking, entitled, How to Kill Someone and Make it Look Like Suicide with a Bonus Edition of the Dos and Don'ts of Threatening to Kill Someone by C. Schild. I think that Christine wrote the Dos and Don'ts book after she plead guilty because the main thing that the book tells you is that you should never make the threats in front of people, which is I guess, what led to Christine's getting busted and her guilty plea. So we sat down in Christine's kitchen, had some milk and cookies, and she and Sandy reminisced about how Christine's latest write-in campaign was probably done in by news of her guilty plea for gun violence and history of litigation against the entire school board while she was on the school board in the early 2000's hitting the newspaper. You would think that with Christine's guilty plea to threatening to kill two people and the other issues that Sandy would not want her around SUSD or the students there, but Sandy is loyal like nobody's business and for Sandy, loyalty means that it is better to have someone convicted of threatening to kill two people with guns and with a history of mental illness and anger management problems at SUSD serving on the Governing Board than the other candidates who were running. That's why Sandy was out there campaigning for Christine to beat the band. Sandy is awesome because she puts loyalty above the endangerment of the students. That my little friends, is a brave stand!
FYI - Christine is an awesome cookie maker, but only one for me lest I end up looking like FBBFOBM. Ok, so now we crafted the plan.
The first plan was to get the guy's phone number and get one of those voice disguising machines and threaten him via telephone, using a burner phone we bought for the occasion at Wal-Mart. So we determined the guy must be the same guy who signed the first letter, and we looked up his number. Sandy then called him right there and then, speaking through the voice disguising machine that kind of made her sound like Darth Vader, and gets his answering machine. But that did not stop her and I was so proud of Sandy because she said, in that deep Vader voice, "Listen up f-ckhead, if you don't reverse your decision and provide Perleberg defense coverage in the lawsuit filed by FBBFOBM, we'll kill your f-cking dog." Sandy then hung up, and we waited two weeks, each day spending all day waiting in Christine's kitchen, waiting for that return call. And there was no news from the Trust. Nothing. Not a word. And then, after 13 consecutive days sitting in Christine's kitchen, the burner phone rang and Sandy picked up and put it on speaker for all of us to hear and this little old lady's voice came across the speaker and she said, "I received a call from this number and the caller threatened to kill my dog, but I don't have a dog and I have just been worried sick about that dog and I hope you didn't kill the dog." Well Sandy hung up super fast and although I was mad, I practically peed myself that she called a wrong number. Sandy has a good heart and she did try, so I could not be too mad, so now it was on to more desperate measures. An in-person threat had to be made.
So now, Christine had us go down to the animal shelter where she volunteered before being given the boot for being disruptive, and we picked up a bottle of chloroform. Christine showed us how to use it cause she learned about it in that seminar she took about killing someone and making it look like suicide, and we looked the guy up on LinkedIn so we knew what he looked like. So after making sure we were proficient with the chloroform, we drove down to the AZ School Risk Retention Trust's office at the end of the day and waited for him to come out of the building. So at this point here was the plan: Sandy would walk up to him, lift up her shirt and flash her breasts at the guy while I came around and put the cloth in front of his face and knocked him out. We would then toss him in the trunk of his own car, throw a hood over his head, and drive him out into the desert and have a little talk with Mr. Insurance Claim Coverage Denier.
So right in the middle of the plan being executed, Sandy tripped, never got her shirt up, and the guy ran over to help her because it sort of look like Sandy was having some type of weird seizure. Even though he was being a good Samaritan, I chloroformed his ass just like Christine showed us and in about two minutes, we had him in his trunk, with a hood over his head, and we were headed out onto the desert for a sit-down.
This plan would have worked well, but Sandy accidentally drove onto the Ben Avery Gun Range without knowing it and in the middle of our sit-down with the guy someone opened fire on the range with one of those assault rifles and when we were trying to tell the guy what we wanted, (he couldn't hear because those rifles are so loud), a stray bullet from the range hit the guy in the head, splattered us with brains and blood and Sandy and I had to crawl out of there on our bellies to get back to the car. Trust me, if you are only wearing a thin blouse and you have to crawl through the desert to preserve your own life, it is hell on the nipples.
So get this, we had the wrong guy. When we got back to the car, we looked at the registration and it was not our guy. Christ were we relieved. It is sufficient to say that we ended up, two days later, kidnapping the right guy. Sandy was able to distract him with a quick boob flash, and everything else went off without a hitch, and he got the message. No problems this time. And guess what? A few days later, the Trust agreed to pay for my legal fees for my defense. What a reversal of fortune. Here's that letter: https://drive.google.com/file/d/17vjr3C9sYSGNTDiB0oJ5LMA-ls1MqTx2/view?usp=sharing
So here is the down-low on the whole Trust thing: By Sandy and the Jones Skelton guy sitting on the Board of The SUSD Trust (which is the client of the AZ School Risk Retention Trust), and from the kidnapping and slight torture of the guy, we obtained this reversal from the TRUST and now they are paying my legal bills for my non-school board authorized actions. This means that the money you morons pay in property taxes is going right into my pocket in the form of free legal representation and trust me, Jones Skelton does not work for free. I win again.
Pam says that now any employee of the District, who is acting on their own behalf, whether they are filing non-board sanctioned lawsuits or writing non-board sanctioned op-eds, or doing anything that is not approved by the board. can harass anyone in the district who is critical of them or making fun of them, and if they happen to cause harm or violate someone's rights, they can just run to the District and get their legal bills paid. Pam thinks this will help bankrupt the District faster than anything else and she is over the moon. This is the financial mismanagement that we were famous for before Jann-Michael, Patty, and John tried to clean things up. We win again!
Ok, enough about this. Why I won't vote to rebuild Kiva. As I mentioned in my earlier blogging, Pam has a big commission coming from the sale of that property and even though we voted last term to rebuild it, if Pam is not going to get her cut, then that is just not going to happen.
Lastly, why would I vote for the M&O Override when Pam has just said "no" to it. She is the last person I want to cross and remember, she is the same lady who tried to repossess her ex-father-in-law's pacemaker in one of her wacky divorce filings.
Just remember this, no matter how much you try, as I have perviously written in the Scottsdale Independent, you can not get Pandora back into the box.
Heal Thyself,
Barb