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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

I'm gonna be famous. Talking with my besty Yihyun + Chomokos in Exile

Updated: May 10, 2018

We are over the moon, well I mean all members of LadyBoard except me. So after we left Starbucks, which takes a long time because we all have to leave one at a time, spaced in like 20 minute intervals, and we had to wait like an extra hour so that Denise had time to get that donkey cart to the 101 so that none of us would accidentally collide with it and with her driving the thing. I thought that you were supposed to sit in the cart and steer the donkey, but Denise was riding the donkey and pulling the cart. That's weird. Also you know I have trouble with telling time with an analog watch, and so when Pam started making the LadyBoard do the 20 minute interval thing, I just had to count to myself, like one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi and that seems easy to everyone, but when you get to about 600, it feels like you have lockjaw, and I've had it before so I'm telling you I know what it feels like. Then, if you forget where you are, you have to start all over again. Okay, back on point. So I get home eventually after running my SDR (surveillance detection route) to make sure I was not being tailed and get home and I find the calculator and I take it out and divide $150,000 by 6 and I come up with $24,000, which may not be right but I know it is going to be close and so I open the envelope to start counting and I know I'll be a little bit short because we had to each give Denise like $300 a piece for the hardship of the donkey ride, and I start counting. I am sooooo angry. Because when I got to the fiftieth $100 dollar bill, all the rest of the paper money wasn't money at all but it was paper from a phone book cut into the shape of the money and I only got 50 100 dollar bills, so being left with $4,000 when everyone else probably got the whole $24,000 just made me angry and I knew they were all laughing at me. I don't know why Denise does me like that, I was so good to her and greenlighted every project for Robichaux, no questions asked. But this really steamed me because I only got $4000 of the $24,000 I was promised, and I was thinking, what did Denise do with the missing $14,000? That would make anyone angry. So I called Pam and asked her if she had any of that Purple Shishkaberry left from Milf Weedz and she said she was really busy and couldn't talk, but I heard that Sandy Kravits laughing, and it sounds just like a monk harpooning a whale while receiving an act of God and I decided to hop in my car and just pay a little surprise visit on little Ms. Milf Weedz.

Well getting out of my neighborhood while doing my SDR was tricky again and I always forget that if you make that 4th right turn you are right back in front of my house, but anyway, I got back over to Pam's and wouldn't you know, there were four cars in the driveway that belonged to the LadyBoard members and one, very aroused donkey tied to a cart (don't ask me how I knew this). So, I just walked right in, no knocking and I have to tell you my feelings were a bit hurt, like I could tell I was getting ready to cry but dignity is important, so I just stiffened my resolve and walked in and said, ha, ha, ha, very funny. I know we split the $150,000 6 ways, but I did not get my full $24,000, I only got $4,000, so where is my missing $14,000. You should have seen the looks on their faces because I don't really stand up for myself like that. So Kim Hartmann said, "hey Copernicus, what are you yammering on about?" I hate it when they call me names, and I have no idea what a "Copernicus" is, but I know it is not a compliment, not the way Kim said it. But you know, they were all all laughing and then I saw the vape pipe on the table and I knew they were into the Shishkaberry with a vengeance, so I just let the remark slide. Anyway, Denise said it was all a joke and she had the extra $14,000 in an an envelope and after she gave it to me I knew I was back with my peeps and that we had all received the same share.

What I did not like was the whole plan about what was going to happen, that it was being discussed without me, like their was a coup going on to overthrow the Board president. So anyway, after I took out my travel gavel, I banged it on the table and Denise snapped to attention and told me the plan. So the first order of business is that we are going to jettison Chomokos to Apache Junction. Denise explained that Kay, her roomate/landlord/co-gauardian/non-life partner had pulled the strings with Krista Anderson, that crazy special education director we canned at SUSD and that Kay installed as the Superintendent of Apache Junction, to hire Chomokos. Oh my God, then we did the meanest thing. Okay, Chomokos is not that old, but like when you are close to her, she looks like she has not been too careful about being out in the sun. So Pam takes a huge hit off the vape pipe and then says that we are going to have a contest. The person who can make themselves look the most like Chomokos is going to get to be her BFF for two weeks! So she shows us this app on her phone where you can load in a picture and make it look much older. She got the app after her divorce so that she could load in pictures of her exes new wife when the kids bring them home and then she puts them through the app and then she prints them out and has a room in her house with more than two thousand of these images, but she keeps that room locked. Kim told me about the room but let's just keep that on the down low. Okay, so back on point. Well we each do our pictures on Pam's phone and can you guess who won? Denise got to decide and it was Pam! That was a bum deal because we all wanted to be Pam's BFF and now she is her own BFF for two weeks, but it is like me suing myself about this blog, you just have to roll with things sometimes.

Okay, back on point. I know that was mean and everything but Pam can really get us going on the mean stuff. So anyway, about my new besty Yihyun. So she went to Arcadia but like she really majored in English or Journalism and is much better with the whole is it "me or I" thing that I struggle with and she is writing a story about me and she wants to know why I am suing myself. Well if you've heard that KJZZ interview, you know that being quick with my thoughts might not be my defining characteristic, and so I just stammered then after a while I said that:

We have to be honest — in some areas, they look like a chaotic construction site. Great work is always happening, but culture shifts, raising expectations and accountability, changing practices, and adjusting philosophies is challenging and painful. With district leadership, our Governing Board has made great effort in our discussions and decision-making to draw out the plans with clarity, and we are proud to be unified in the foundations being laid.

Well I am not too sure that answered her question, but I memorized that paragraph for an article I wrote a while back and it was just the first thing that popped into my head. I hope to hell she did not notice.

Okay, back on point. With Chomokos gone, Kay Hunnicutt and Denise told us they have plans for even a worse choice, maybe that Debbie Ybarra for Principal of Chaparral. She is hated almost as much as the LadyBoard and Denise. But Denise said as soon as we can get Debbie entrenched there at Chaparral, the sooner we can get rid of her and pay her off too, which will be more money for all of us. That Kay is so darn clever. One time, she told me that her favorite movie scene of all time is that scene in Things to Do in Denver When Your Dead when Christopher Walken makes Andy Garcia suck his toes as a show of submission. Kay says that everyone she places in a job has to do the same thing and Denise takes a picture so that everyone knows where they stand. By the way, those are not Debbie Ybarra's teeth in those photos on the SUSD website. Those are Mah Jong tiles she had surgically implanted after she got some weird jaw infection, and supposedly she can bite a penny in half and she does it to intimidate the teachers and principals when she wants to make a point. Sandy verified this is true because Mah Jong is some kind of Chinese Jewish game her mom used to play.

Okay, enough writing for today. We have to get cracking on that budget for the District and we are up a creek without a paddle. Oh and the worst of it, when I left Pam's I was carrying my shoes and walking across the yard and it was late and I ended up stepping in donkey poop and it went right between my toes.

Okay, can't wait to read about me suing me in the paper.

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