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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

I'm under attack, part two. Live commentary from the closed executive session - 5/7/18

Ok this is a big no no, but I am so board (get it, it is supposed to be: bored, but I'm on the Board) that I will write you now while we are in executive session what is happening now, and I will pray in the sweet name of Baby Jesus that no one catches on. So of course, Pam starts off about the rebellion at Chaparral and how we can quell it. I had to look that word up, "quell", because at first it meant some kind of fancy hand soap, but basically it means subdue, quash, and the way Pam says it, I can tell that we are about 5 minutes away from her head doing one of those weird 360's while her body just stays still. So Pam, wants to call in the National Guard, but after checking with DD, it looks like they are all down guarding the fence for Trump, so that is out.

Sandy, who was pretty spry today and mentally alert, after being freed by me yesterday after she locked herself into her home, thinks that we should just put ground up chocolate Ex-Lax into the grape drink machine in the cafeteria. She thinks that one box will give diarrhea to about 300 kids, and that the fallout could weaken their resolve to get rid of Chomokos. Sandy is always surprising and I guess I like having her around because she seems a little dumber than me, but really, I am not always sure about that. Allyson does not like to contribute to these schemes of ours and at first I thought it was because she is snobby, but my husband says it is because she has more sense than all of us combined. I think that is a compliment to her, but then he says that "the bar is low, don't get to thinking she's some kind of genius."

Okay, back on target, so what is going on now is that we are listening to our attorneys explain what we have to do about Pam Sitton. I am beginning to wonder if we have hired anyone in my entire six years as a Board member who is not stealing everything not nailed down to the floor. Where did these people grow up? Didn't they get spanked? So, yeah, now Pam wants us to focus on the Interim Superintendent. And Amy Fuller just keeps talking and talking and again she is just so confused about whether we have to add dates to the calendar or subtract them because of the strike and I just almost peed myself when Pam told Amy to shut up. Pam said, "Amy, when we need your opinion, we'll give it to you." No one is crazy enough to challenge Pam when she gets like that. By the way, and I have no idea how no one has picked up on this, but a lot of the time she hides her mouth behind the microphone, so the agitators at those meetings cannot see it, but she actually has a forked tongue. And only known to those of us who go hot tubbing at Allyson's, Pam has cloven hoofs for feet, just like the Devil, now I mean they look totally normal and they function like regular feet, and she had all kinds of cosmetic surgery and tattoos so it looks like she has toes and everything, but I think there is a direct evolutionary line between Pam and Mephistopheles. Anyway, she told us about the peculiarity with her feet and explained that's why she ran all those marathons back in the day because it helps her run faster. Ok so we are supposed to be focusing on finding a new interim superintendent and it is a little embarrassing because we are doing this in front of Amy Fuller (Kim Hartmann spells her name "Fooler" when no one is looking) and right then, out of the blue, Sandy says, "I wonder why no one named Barney ever applies for these positions. I knew a man named Barney when I was growing up and I was just wondering why there are not any candidates with that first name?" Well maybe it was that comment, but Pam was eating from this little bowl of Cheetos and she sneezed and some of what was in her mouth went up her nose in the back of her throat then out her nose, and I spit my water all over my gavel, so we have to take a break so I can clean it properly which is okay because Allyson has to leave to go somewhere.

So now it is just the four of us, but Pam explains exactly why we are in such deep shit - yep, that's the exact word she used, the "s" word. So here is the lowdown, or down-low, but whatever and don't ask me for the difference but here is what is going on and why it is kind of a problem. Virgil has quit and said he won't give us an extension. He really laced into us in executive session and said our antennas are not picking up all the signals. I think he is wrong because I checked in my car and I am getting AM, FM, and Satellite radio. He just seems crotchety. So anyway we have less than 60 days to prepare and file a budget and we don't have a CFO, Amy knows she is getting the heave-ho, but she wants to do the budget and she is trying to convince us to hire her daughter, and we have white-outs at Chaparral because all the teachers are quitting because we cannot get rid of Chomokos and so far, we have not done anything in this meeting. Meawhile, my phone is ringing off the hook from the Fake News Az Republic who want to interview me over this stupid website and I still have not told you about yesterday when we went to the DMP to plan all of this out.

Okay, so about yesterday. We met at that Starbucks on Scottsdale Road just north of Indian Bend and it is a divided space that is a bit larger than it looks and when were seated, Pam made sure we had six places at the table and guess who accidentally "showed up"? First I did not recognize her, I admit, because she was wearing this sort of white cloth poncho and a large sombrero and I could not really see anything but her (spoiler alert) long golden hair. Have you guessed? Yes, it was our BFF Denise. She looks great, but I was fooled by that Sancho Panza get up, but you know we are not allowed to contact each other for like two more months. She even rode to the Starbucks on a donkey, all the way from Mesa. We were all crying just as hard as the night we had to fake fire her. So from under her pancho, Denise takes out five envelopes, and hands each of us one, no one counted, and I can't even divide $150,000 6 ways anyway, so it would not have done much good. But the point is she has come back to us, all of us who championed her so much throughout that terrible time when the evildoers drove her from the district. I remember when we hired her, Pam said,

If I were to go forward with that process — moving forward with an RFP — it would just

be nothing more than a political move to try and straddle both sides of the fence or to

make everybody happy and to try and placate some of you,” Ms. Kirby said during the

meeting. “In the end, I would feel like I was doing a disservice to the community if I were to move forward with that path because I would be running away from the decision that

in my heart, in my head and in my gut I feel is the best decision to make today.”

This is the first time I've seen Pam smile in a long time, and they were like two kindred spirits reunited at last. By the way, Denise said, that traveling by Donkey to stay in character is really a pain in the ass, that it took her four hours to get here, and she thinks she should get a few hundred from each of us for making the trip and we all agreed. Okay, but getting back to the point, Denise promised to draw up a plan, which means Kay will draw up the plan for the budget and tell us who we are supposed to hire for CFO and Superintendent, but that she might not have it for tomorrow's meeting (which is where I am at now) because it is going to be four hours back to Mesa on that donkey, which is why today's exec session is just kind of a time kill because we don't have the plans.

Okay, that's all I'm allowed to talk about and don't go blabbing about this to anyone. I'm already suing me, don't make me sue you too.

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