My name is Grodie Bachon and I live in Kam Loops, Canada. Normally you would be expecting Barb to be blogging here, but I snaked her password from her purse last weekend when she was up here on a buying trip with Sandy and I hacked her website so you can hear about my latest adventure.
By day I am a pipe-fitter, but I have also taken advantage of the new weed economy here and have a little greenhouse out back where I grow some Shishkaberry. I actually have a website called GrownbyGrodieCAN to market my product. Anyway, I got an email from whatisaperleberg@gmail.com from these two broads named Sandy and Barbara and they told me they wanted to buy some major weight. Apparently, they were getting their Shishkaberry from some chick named Pam and this lady has apparently been boning them on the price, so they wanted to go direct and cut out the middle man.
Well the first thing I had to tell them was that I could not ship the Shishkaberry because sending marijuana into the US is a no-no, and I do not want to end up on some Interpol list nor do I want to be the subject of some Netflix show called Canadian Narcos. So after explaining this to them (I think the one named Sandy is actually a bit more stupid than the one named Barb, because I had to explain it like four times to Sandy that Canada was a separate country from the US) they agreed to drive up to Kam Loops. This is no easy drive and just to give you an idea, I think this map says it all:
So I gave them directions and they agreed to meet me last Saturday at my favorite bar, a place called Canuck Joe's Watering Hole at about 8 PM. Oh yea, the other thing was that they wanted to know what I looked like so that they were not just walking up to the guys in the bar asking, "hey, are you Grodie?" I asked them for their pictures too but they told me that there was no way in hell they would send me their pics, especially because the stupid one, Sandy, was yammering on that they were both some type of elected officials and if they got caught with this much weight they'd be in trouble and might end up on a chain gang
So I sent them my picture:
Now the thing is, the bar would still be dark and it might be hard to spot me because it is a pretty popular hang, so I told them to look for a guy in a red baseball cap with the words "Who Farted?" on the front.
Like clockwork, or maybe a little after 8 pm, two women approached me at the bar, and after exchanging greetings, which included a kiss on both cheeks (because my Dad was French and that's how we do it up here in Canada), they agreed to follow me back to my place, which is where the deal would go down. I told them to pull behind the bar and that I was driving a late model Chevrolet El Camino (which is smart so I don't draw attention from the Mounties) and that when they saw my ride to flash their lights twice and then start following.
Well, I was waiting for them for about four minutes and at first I thought they got lost, but I just about sh-t myself when this big yellow school bus entered the alley, scraping the mirrors on both sides with sparks-a-flying. I immediately jumped out and said, "what the F-ck?" So the one named Barb said that they were trying to figure a way to get the weight across the border and they just thought no one would bother searching a school bus. Plus, Barb said that Sandy works with some guy in charge of the bus fleet at her school district and she was able to borrow the bus for the weekend provided that they had it back in Scottsdale before Monday because this was like the last week of their school year and if they counted the buses, someone would know one was missing. So without any more talking, I hopped into my El Camino and with that bus banging it's mirrors on the sides of the alley, sparking like a grinding wheel sharpening skates as they exited, we headed to my house.
Once we got to my house, the one named Sandy was complaining that her ass was sore from the bus ride up because she was pretty sure the suspensions on those buses are not meant for a really long haul from Scottsdale to Canada. Never mind. The big thing was that I showed them the two bales of Shishkaberry, which is twice the weight they originally asked for, but the one named Barb had come into some extra money. Apparently, she had been running some scam where the District was paying her personal bills for a lawsuit she filed, so she had some excess scratch. Personally, I could not give a sh-t about her scam because I was grateful for the extra business.
Now this is when it got freaky. Sandy and Barb insisted on sampling the wares before I loaded their bus, so I got this little Apogee bong out and loaded it up, handed it to Sandy, and she torched the first bowl. You know that expression about not getting high on your own supply, well I can tell you it was said for a good reason. I swear to Christ that Sandy could suck a golfball through a garden hose, and she emptied that bowl in one hit. Barb was next and she was a close second to Sandy. And you know you have to be careful with Shishkaberry, because it sneaks up on you, and like in two minutes, those two ladies were so high I thought Sandy was going to bump into Sputnik. The next thing I know, and I know I am a handsome guy (I'm just being realistic, not bragging), these two chicks start stripping, and as soon as they are both completely naked, except for their shoes, they come at me and start tearing at my clothes and then they threw me down on my back. I'm not saying I fought real hard, but I definitely think this was non-consensual on my part.
I mean they tore my shirt to ribbons, and it was a vintage Oleg Cassini Qiana striped collared shirt that I wear for special occasions, and just like that it was gone in a flash. Next, they are both fiddling with my belt, tearing at it so hard it kind of hurt my stomach and left a big red mark, and then they are pulling my jeans down and the only thing between them and Captain Midnight was my crocheted briefs (that I also wear for special occasions). Okay, so then, like two second later, they had me naked, on my back and Sandy pulled a knife on me and right then and there I thought they were just going to steal the weight and rip me off. Instead, the one named Barb hauls a bottle of water out of her purse and makes me take a Viagra so that I can party with them all night long. After that, the next four hours were kind of a blur, but I seem to remember it was right out of one of those stories I used to read in Penthouse Magazine when I was a kid. Use your imagination here, there is no need for me to get smutty and remember, I am Canadian and we are very polite people.
So then, during the afterglow, it was just all cuddles and pillow talk with my new friends, and they apologized for the whole knife pulling thing and to tell you the truth I am pretty glad they brought that pill. Turns out these two ladies are elected officials for their school board (we don't have that in Canada and after seeing how stupid these two women are, I'm glad we don't) and there is a major piece of legislation coming up involving something called an M&O Override. Their boss is some lady named Pam, the same lady that was supplying them before they bought from me, and this Pam lady is forcing them to vote no on this override thing. So they said they need the extra weight to fortify themselves against the onslaught of negative publicity headed their way. They said that even though it will harm the schools, they are going to get their money on the back end when the buildings are sold off to developers. And they told me that will be good for me because they promised they will buy more weight, which is all I care about. I mean, I am all about the business and so I said, "hey, whatever floats your boat."
Before they left, they asked me if on their next trip they could bring a guy with them and I said I was cool as long as I did not have to, you know, be with him. They said it is not like that at all and that this guy Ed is completely straight. And then they were gone. I hope to be writing again soon and whatever you do, don't let Barb know I hacked her account.