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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

The LadyBoard On the Run

Okay, there is a lot of sh-t hitting the fan and now I am not sure who is really public enemy number 1. It was that Susan Hughes, but now I am thinking it is that very dreamy, super hunky, but nevertheless an assh-le, Derek Staahl. I mean really, doesn't he have anything better to do than to discover and point out the corruption I've brought to the District. It's not like you need an electron microscope to see it, whatever that is. How do they make a microscope out of just electrons? That's one I've heard about but just don't get. Okay, back on point.

That last Board meeting where I was blogging during the meeting was a full blown disaster. I think Pam Kirby knows she stepped in it with that comment to Dr. Virgil (he is kind of dreamy too, sort of looks like Nance but with a better brain) about the Board never knowing how much money the district actually has. This is exactly the kind of sh-t that everyone jumps on and I hate hate hate when they make fun of something that is just hard for anyone to understand. For f-cks' sake, Pam's only been doing this for eight years and she is a lapsed CPA, so this is not her fault, and after her wacky divorce, I think she has that PTSD syndrome I've seen on Lifetime TV.

Well I forgot to write about that lawsuit I have filed against me for writing this blog in the first place. That whole thing looks like that is going to hell in a hand basket as well, according to my besty Yihyun's article here I had no idea there was a first amendment and if I did hear about it I think I thought it was the one about everyone being allowed to have guns. What am I, a history major? I should have never let my stupid non-lawyer lawyer talk me into it. And that is not the worst of it, apparently I might be hit with counter claims and have to pay me for bringing a spurious lawsuit, which is not very good news because I was already measuring the drapes. However, there is a silver lining here. I am now pretty famous, like about 30 newspapers now know I'm suing me, and I was even on television, like the real deal. This is a little embarrassing how this went down, but since you are my fans I will tell you the details. Lindsey Reiser, the reporter, invited me to come down for an interview to talk about the lawsuit. But because I was not looking my best, I did not want to just show up without going to the hairdresser but there just was no time, so I grabbed a roll of Gorilla tape and just went down to the studio, met Lindsey, and went into the ladies room. Well, I just started wrapping the tape around my head and then when I was completely covered up, I walked out to do the interview. Well, I'm going to admit that it was a bit unconventional and Lindsey freaked out a bit, but I am unconventional, like how I run the District, like how I drive down Camelback Boulevard and see how long I can keep my eyes shut between lights while I have my foot on the gas. Okay, back on point.

So after convincing Lindsey to just roll with it and do the interview, I noticed that the tape was getting hotter than a two dollar sewing machine and it was getting pretty hard too. And then it hit me, I didn't grab Gorilla tape, I grabbed a roll of Bondo fiberglass tape that my husband uses on the car, and pretty soon, my whole head was encased in fiberglass, like a super hot helmet that perfectly fit my face. Well anyone who knows me and anyone who has seen me wreck the District knows that I'm no quitter, and because I knew this would make me even more famous and wanted my 15 additional minutes of real TV, I did the interview with Lindsey (you can see it here: The interview was not the problem, but cracking open that fiberglass when we were finished was a major pain in the ass. So at first Lindsey tried cracking it with a hammer they had in a tool box in their office, but after a few good whacks nothing happened, and a bell started ringing in my head like when I am governing a seven hour Board meeting, so I knew that was not working. Well, Lindsey came up with another idea, and actually it was after speaking with Sandy Kravetz, who as luck would have it has been in a similar situation and knows a thing or two about sanding fiberglass. So Lindsey commandeered the news van and I got in and laid on my back, opened the rear doors, and leaned out and let my head touch the pavement while the cameraman held my feet. Lindsey just kept driving in circles until the pavement wore away the fiberglass so that it was thin enough in the back so that we could crack it open with the office hammer, and although it left a huge welt, we were able to pry it off my head. No harm, no foul.

Okay, I have strayed again and I want to get back to Derek Staahl. I think Kay would put out a hit on him too if he wasn't so dreamy, and she plays for the other team, and if she thinks he's dreamy, well, that's saying something. Okay, so here is what is frosting my ass: Why is Derek Staahl exposing the stuff I'm doing at the District? Isn't there real news to cover? Okay, so tonight, he writes a story and interviews that family, the McCarthy's. So here's the deal on that: the kid was restrained and we put him in solitary confinement, or something like that and we covered that up. Big f-cking deal, really, as Pam says because we are just wasting too much district money on those special needs kids. Sandy has one of those tasers for home use in case she locks herself in her home and can't get out and there is a burglar in there and she keeps saying, "why don't we just taser the special education students, knock them out, and when they wake up, we tase them again, and keep doing it until school is out. Sandy thinks one teacher can operate eight tasers at a time and can keep them all subdued for a whole school day. Denise ran the numbers on that before we fake fired her and we'd have saved a lot of money if we had just listened to Sandy on that one, and that is a first. Okay, so there is no way we are going to settle that lawsuit with their family and the number one reason is that unlike Denise, they are not going to share in their settlement, so what is the point. It is not like the money for the defense is coming out of my pocket and if Yihyun is right in her article and my lawsuit against me is going south, then I will be needing some moolah to pay that off. So I hate to be crass, but f-ck 'em.

Tomorrow I think I am gonna write about this land deal Pam Kirby wants to do with Kiva and Copper Ridge, but that might take a bit of time to explain, because I will have to understand it myself, but she is going to explain it on the white Board in Denisey's office, but we will have to erase the enemies list. Out with the old, in with the new. Pam and Kay think that it is even more lucrative than the fake firings or Denise getting those kickbacks from vendors. I think If I do this and prove myself to Kay, I won't have to be siphoning any more sewage.

Okay, I know the tone of what I have been writing about has not been light hearted like normal, but I have a lot on my plate.

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