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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

The Official SUSD Governing Board Response to Security Concerns at the District

Pam Kirby convened the LadyBoard last night, as always in secret, by sending up the LadyBoard signal, kind of like the Bat Signal for Batman, which is where she got the idea, except it is the gigantic letters LB thrown by a carbon arc lamp and also texted to our K-200H's that we all carry, which is how I got the signal and like at once, I was on high alert and speeding to the DMP (Designated Meeting Place) and running all kinds of SDR (Surveillance Detection Routes) to determine whether I was being followed by Derek, or Yihyun, or Lindsey, or even worse, that Susan Hughes. So knowing that four right turns puts me right back where I started, I chose eight right turns, and it did not help, because I ended up right in front of the Herberger Theater, which is where my evening began.

Okay, I need to explain a bit here. Because my birthday is around the corner, Pam Kirby had mentioned to me that there was a new staging of The Diary of Anne Frank and that her story was told from the German perspective and modernized (i.e. that of a Jewish subversive teen who is blogging non-stop when she loses her access to the internet while the storm-troopers rightfully hunt her down). I thought that in honor of my grandfather Otto, who died in Auschwitz after he fell from a guard tower, that this would be a nice play to go see. So I get down to the Herberger, take my seat, and right before the play starts, Richard Spencer, the Alt-Right Leader, who was the producer and director of the play, comes out and says that the girl playing Anne Frank has come down with the flu and the understudy only knows the traditional retelling of the story and that therefore, the evening's performance was cancelled. However, in lieu of refunds, there was another play going on in another one of their theaters and we were all ushered in to watch a performance of Church and State. Let me tell you this, I have never seen such filth in my life. How in Arizona someone could be allowed to stage a play about gun control is beyond me. There are some things that should not be protected by those Amendments I've been hearing about, and the peddling of this type of filth about gun control is one of them. Thank God that last night was the last night of the play's run. Back on point: It was just as this filthy presentation ended that I received the LadyBoard alert to report to DMP1. Okay, so here is something super secret: The DMP's are numbered 1-5, and the site numbers correspond to the first letters of our names, so DMP 1 is Allyson's house. It is never DMP5 because we never know if Sandy is going to be able to figure out the deadbolt thing and be able to let us in.

Okay, so back on point. When I get to Allyson's I am the third person there because Pam Kirby, who convened the meeting, is always the first to arrive. She has keys to everyone's home, so even if Allyson was not home, she would have just let herself in. Anyway, Pam has got the vape pipe all warmed up and she is telling us that she ran out of Purple Shishkaberry and she brought a new product offering called Appomattox After Party which she explained really f-cks with your head and makes everything seem awful and is named after the last battle of the Civil War which caused the South to surrender, which is when, as Pam Kirby likes to say, the country took a very wrong turn from which it never recovered. So after a few hits from the vape pipe, and after Sandy Kravetz and Kim Hartmann arrive, Pam tells us her new security plan.

Basically, it goes like this: Now that the LadyBoard has not a whole lot to do because of the new Superintendent, Pam believes we should make use of our free time and form the Tactical Women's Alert Team, T.W.A.T. for short. Then she asks everyone to listen to a speech she recorded that was given by two very notable scholars, Richard Marin and Thomas Chong (and you can hear it here if you like but it was very moving, like one of those speeches by that Martin Louis King fellow, and that is where Pam says she got the idea.

So after we emptied both refills of the Appomattox After Party, Pam Kirby diagrammed the plan out in detail. Each member of the LadyBoard would begin advanced arms training, which would be run by Denise as she is awaiting her indictment and has a lot of free time, and it would cover such skills as snipering, spottering (this is the person who tells the sniper what to shoot at), camouflage, and how to be still for hours at a time. Pam thinks we can skip that part because if you have ever attended the public comment part of a Governing Board meeting, where we sit there like Easter Island statues, you know we have that buttoned up tight. After training, then T.W.A.T. will deploy and establish a perimeter around the entirety of the District, and we will all be linked by our K-200H communicators (just a fancy name for the burner phones that Kay Hartwell gave us all) so that if a problem breaks out at any school, we can be there in a jif and take down the perps.

Now part of this plan depends on staggered entry to the school by students, and for this part you have to be really good at your math, so Kim really helped out here. Let's say you have 2,000 students at a high school. So starting at midnight, students will be allowed to enter into the buildings, 1.38 students at a time. So if there are 2,000 students and 24 hours in a day, and 60 minutes per day, you take the number of students, divided by 24, divided by 60 and you get the coefficient of ingress into the building of 1.38 students per minute. So because there is no such thing as 0.38 of a student, and Kim Hartmann said she checked that three times, we have to round up to 2 students being allowed to enter the building at a time.

So in practical terms, what would happen is that there would be a very efficient drop-off procedure where the cars would be coming from the north and south towards the school. And starting at opposite diagonals, about 50 yards from the front door of the school, the kids would pop out of their cars at the designated moment, and run like hell, serpentine a bit if they must, and try to get into the building before a maladjusted person can gun them down. Because they are running at opposing diagonals to the front door, the likelihood that someone would be able to aim and shoot both kids in such a short period of time is remote. One kid, yes, two, you'd have to be like really good. So in the event this happens, all cars with the remaining students would disburse and we would have limited our downside by only risking two kids at a time. At that rate, it would take you about 16.67 hours to load the school with students, we could get the eight hours of teaching in and start the whole process in reverse and let them out two at a time, 2 per minute. We do not have to worry about protection for the teachers because they are expendable and can come and go as they like. And like they used to say in those hair care commercials, "rinse and repeat" and the process starts over the very next day. If only one or two kids per school was ever actually killed in these instances, Pam says it would barely make the news.

So then, God forbid if something happened, T.W.A.T. would be alerted, we would be dispatched to the area and we would bring down the bad guy.

I know there has been ferocious criticism of the LadyBoard, but this is when we are at our best, when we can solve problems and help heal the District.

What a night!

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