Truly, truly, I tell you, one of you has betrayed me + a discussion with my lawyer.
I'm blogging from the bored meeting (that is an intentional misspelling, it is math where I get lost not English!) tonight and if you caught that 40 minute discussion about how a report card is to be filled out I found it informative, but I am still not sure how those letters get inside the little boxes. It is just another of life's mysteries and I wish we had more time to spend on the topic. By the way, if I have not told you already, without Pam giving everyone an Adderall before these meetings start, there is no way we could make it through these seven hour executive session meeting. I have used a stopwatch to determine the amount of time that I can sit still without taking one of those pills, and it was 12 minutes and forty two seconds exactly.
While we are here, I've been thinking (and whenever I start a sentence with those three words Pam says, "your job is to do, not to think) about who has been writing that blog about me that casts me in the most false light. So I have set out to unmask the traitor using strategerey and my super secret lawyer, who I will just call Secretariat. The reason that I call her Secretariat is that is the code name she likes me to call her because she has a really long ponytail that is almost the same length as a horse's tail. And I swear on everything I hold dear, like underpaying teachers and threatening critics, that she can just tilt her head ever so slightly and use that tail like a whip. I saw her do everything from killing a fly that landed on my shoulder while I was talking to her, to using it to strike Sandy Kravets in the face when Secretariat thought she was talking too much. And the weird thing is, she never washes it, so if the snap of the tail doesn't put a sting on you, the smell of that thing could knock a buzzard of a manure wagon from like 500 feet away. Look, Secretariat is scary and if you think I'm lying about that ponytail, here is a redacted picture of Secretariat holding a baby about two minutes before she ate it for lunch. She is the real deal. As scary as Pam.
Okay, so to prepare for the strategery session with Secretariat, I tried to get the SUSD enemies list from Denise, but when I called her to get it from her she said her ass was so sore from riding that donkey all the way to Mesa that she could not even get out of bed. I just think she is lazy. She always was a little bit lazy, but you know she was such a star earner for us and Kay always said, "hands off" when it came to criticism of Denise. We were all making so much money that I had to keep that little thought to myself. I feel myself drifting already and each time when I catch myself I am just going to get right back on point.
Okay, back on point. So I drove over to the Mojave Annex and using my key to the building (best perk of being a Board member, the master key, which Dr. N. and I have had occasion to put to good use), I went to Denise's white board which is still in her office (everything is in her office, just like she left it so that one day she can return to us), and it was covered by a gold lame tarp. And as I uncovered it, I was overcome with emotion because the care that went into creating this list and writing in her perfect handwriting was something to behold. I'll admit that I stood transfixed in front of it, just like that time I saw that grilled cheese sandwich that was being sold on Ebay that had the face of Jesus on it, it was just that beautiful. Well when I snapped out of it, I started writing down all the names on the list and there were like 5 rows of 50 names and I was not sure how long it would take me to copy all 400 names, and some names, like people who were huge enemies of Denise, like Susan Hughes, Mike Norton, Jann-Michael Greenburg, Mike Peabody and Loyd Eskildson, well their names were written in goat's blood and I forgot about that little detail. So the point is that I got a hand cramp and after I copied like the 50th name so I decided to just take a picture of the the enemies list with my phone and then copy it down when I got home.
Well, I must have had my finger over the lens a little bit and not the whole list came out, but I just had to make do with what I had. So, without the complete enemies list, I just started with what I captured on camera and waited until Secretariat came over so that we could set about unmasking the infidel. So here is who we analyzed.
1) Angela Denise Birdwell - she was not really on the enemies list, but her name was on the top of the whiteboard, which meant it was her list, but I just analyzed her name for the possibilities anyway. It is probably not her because we did that deal for the $150K with a six way split, but I still cannot discount her completely, because the site does have a lot of inside scoop.
2) Louis Hartwell - at first I thought it might be Louis because he had the redass when we let him go, but Kay kept him in line pretty well and she told him to STFU or he would be back to fishing cigarette butts out of urinals, and he just shrank like a dead flower in one of those time elapsed films. Plus of course, even though Denisey told the fake news AZ Republic paper that Louis was the most qualified candidate for the job on account of him being a KPMG Partner, an Arthur Anderson Partner, and the guy who cured polio, it was pretty common knowledge that he could not read or write past the third grade level. His presentations to the board always were the best because I always looked so darn smart smart in comparison, especially if Sandy was sick and couldn't be at the meetings.
3) Brian Robichaux - he is my number one suspect I think because he just was so polished and he could speak for hours and never even move his lips. Now (according to what I have learned from watching Lifetime TV), what he did to Denise, by producing those cancelled checks that were written to Kay but deposited in Denise's joint account, that is called "diming her out". I have to tell you, when I use police vernacular, and I have my SUSD badge in my purse, I just get all excited and I pretend I am in that show Rizzoli and Isles or Cagney and Lacey. Remember that show? I have all episodes on DVD and also am in their fan club, and I just get on that chat board and type and type and type some nights for three hours straight. That's how Brian Nance and I communicate unofficially, if you know what I mean.
4) Laura Smith, our former CFO, you remember her, the one that Kim Hartmann said was a super genius, like she invented accounting. Well like she could be the one, but really, when I think about all those presentations she made to us, she never put two sentences together, let alone a paragraph. Plus, rumor has it that she is in Honduras, out of reach of the long arm of the law and I don't think they have internet down there because as our President says, it's a sh-thole country.
5) Pam Mudrey - Pam worked for Laura Smith's private company, the one that Laura was funneling money too, you know the one that her sister owned. But when Laura got dinged, Pam disappeared faster than the babysitter’s boyfriend when our car pulls up, so I don't think it was her, plus she does math, not the whole essay writing thing.
6) Pam Sitton - You know, Pam started with the District at about the same time I first got elected to the Board, but she must have gotten hold of some stupid pills and overdosed, because I just don't know what she was thinking. Kay gave us complete instructions on not to call them "doctorate stipends", but to simply call them relocation funds, like the funds you get if you work at a company and they move you from one part of the country to another, only these relocation funds were for moving from one job at the District to another. Pam was so bad at everything and I just don't think she has the attention span to keep writing all the time.
7) Amy Fuller - I have to admit she is my number two suspect because we are just humiliating her at those meetings where she is presiding and we talk about replacing her like she is not even there. Pam calls this the 4H club when we do this to a District employee: Humiliate, Harrass, Hate & Harangue. When Allyson explained that harrass and harrangue were sort of similar in meaning, Pam threatened to put Allyson in a headlock while she made me tattoo H H H H on that gigantic forehead of hers. That's pretty much why Allyson never talks in public. Okay, back on point, Fuller is my number two suspect.
8) Principal Barnes - I don't think it was him because he is just getting moved by Kay to another one of her schools. He only quit because he was promised all you can eat access in the cafeteria and when it was learned that the Title I funds were being depleted as if we were feeding Patton's 3rd Army, Pam was dispatched to give him the news. We could all hear her because she just gets crazy fired up when she gets to be mean and she loves to yell. She actually went over to the school, commandeered the PA system and screamed into it, "hey Tubby, you've got more chins than the Beijing phone book. Let's not have one of these Oliver Twists die of starvation while you turn into a gigantic Sharpei." That is not even close to the meanest thing Pam has ever said, trust me.
9) Angela Chomokos - It can not be her, even after the mean thing we did with the LadyBoard at Pam's. Plus, we are all terrified of her so she has been getting the good treatment, and Kay once let it slip that she had a small explosive charge inserted into her head so that if she ever crossed Kay, she would detonate that thing on a day when sloppy joe's were being served in the cafeteria and no one would be the wiser. No way would Chomokos cross me and risk exposing Kay.
10) Alexis Cruz-Freeman - well it could be her, but Pam has her super well trained. Now I did bring up the "is she here illegally" angle after the tricky thing her peeps do with money and the whole stipend thing was about to blow, but Secretariat whipped that tail out and stung me on the cheek and said, "no way Jose! No pun intended." So, she is ruled out, for now.
11) Derek Staahl - It could be him. He is the number one fake news sh-t-disturber out there. I'm just waiting for Yihyun to write this up and then everyone will see what has been done to me. N0 one in this country should have the right to make fun of an elected official, even if they did run unopposed! Well, I have got more to review, but right now, I am going to put that felon Roubichaux under surveillance and we are going to have to wrap up this meeting of the executive board after the last presentation on the agenda, which is a two hour presentation on why we write left to right by one of our new principals that Denisey hired. And by the way, Nance is off the list of suspects. I could not even begin to think about what that kind of betrayal would feel like.
Rest assured supporters, I'm getting close and if it is that felon Roubichaux behind this diabolical scheme, I'm going to personally feed him to some of those alligators in those Louisiana swamps that he and Denise like to wrestle when they are down there. And by personally doing it, I mean I'm going to ask Kay and Pam to do it, maybe Secretariat too.