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  • Writer's pictureBarbara Perleberg

Vaping with LadyBoard

Updated: Apr 30, 2018

I know I have not written for a few days, but Pam has me on all these secret little projects and after that night of vaping, believe you me, I need a rest. So I will admit I was a newbie to vaping, but the whole thing seemed so fun, and you will not believe what happened afterwards. Ok, I'm rambling a bit, but I have to tell you how this went down. Allyson was a little clueless, but not Pam. Allyson did not even know how the stupid vaping pen worked, so of course, as aways, Pam took over and she knew about the whole thing. The first thing she noticed was that all the cartridges were empty, which Pam explained meant that there wasn't any marijuana in the pen. But sweet baby Jesus, in like two seconds Pam reached down, opened up her purse and took out two cartridges of what she called Purple Shishkaberry that she gets from a store called Milf Weedz, and we were up and running in no time at all. This is not the mary jane I had in high school, and after about two puffs of that vape pen, I was higher than giraffe p-ssy (I can't believe I just typed that, but that is what Kim Hartmann was saying after hitting that pipe just once and running in circles). Confession: I had no idea what the word "Milf" meant until Pam explained it to me and now every-time I think about that I just laugh. Turns out, Pam is something called a limited partner in this Milf Weedz store and she says it has been an excellent investment. Oh yes, spoiler alert: you never want to see Sandy Kravetz high. If you think she babbles incoherently at those board meetings, you can not believe what it is like when she has a buzz on. Plus, she eats like a maniac. She ran into Allyson's kitchen and was tearing open the cabinet doors like she was going to rip them off their hinges. Finally, she zeroes in on a sack of Cheetos and tore the corner of the bag off with her teeth. I think when Pam walked in and saw those Cheetos, she got a little bit sad, weepy kind of, and told us that selling Cheetos was the worst job she ever had. She just started blathering and said that she let her CPA license lapse and did not keep up with her schooling, so now, unless she finds another rich guy to marry, she could be back hauling chips around. She really started bumming us all out and the next thing I knew we were all crying again like that night we had to fire Denise. No one has even heard from her and she was like everyone's BFF. Before Denise got busted, we would sometimes all go over to Kim's place, just the LadyBoard and Denise and all get in Kim's hot tub, au naturel. Now I am not shy and I'll admit I don't have the best body, but Denise would just look at me with those eyes of hers and even though she says she isn't, I think she is. I think she had a thing for me. And every time we went over to Kim's for a little hot tubbing, Denise always got in last and always sat next to me. I mean nothing happened and I mean that, but I think it could have. I have no idea what she sees in her landlord/roommate/financier, but there is definitely a sparkle in her eyes when she talked about Kay.

Ok so I guess day two of the strike is over but Pam wants to take like a pretty militant stand on this whole issue because she said the Tea Party Big Wigs called her said that if she does not publicly oppose the strike and the actions of these illegals then she will be losing support for the next stage of her political career. I thought "illegals" meant Mexicans, but Pam said it meant the teachers. So anyways, this morning she called me while I was at the Original Pancake House with Allyson and said "get me that Amy Fuller on the phone", so what she means is that I have to three way conference us together on my iPhone so that there is no trace of the call from Pam and it took me about two tries but like the third time I got us all on the line. The problem is that with Pam shouting commands and with Amy's thick accent, I have a real hard time hearing and what I do hear I hardly understand. But I think this was the gist of it. So Pam tells Fuller to have the principals that were brought in by Denise to start calling teachers and see if they are going to come to work tomorrow, which I thought was stupid because tomorrow is a Saturday. Pam just told me to shut up, that she meant Monday so this is the skinny: Pam said that DD told her that the strike is over and that she needs to get their asses back in the classroom or he is going to start losing support from wealthy donors in the district, but the thing is I don't think that DD actually has any money for this. I mean that's what Allyson said, which was startling because I thought she was asleep again with her eyes open, but there was this little hint of syrup that dripped on her on her chin and I knew she was awake.

So I guess if there is not really going to be any real money, and the teachers need the money now, why would they wait on something that might not happen. Believe you me, I held that comment to myself. But you know what, Sandy called me in the middle of all this to tell me that she locked herself in her house and needed help figuring out how to get out. Well we went over there to explain to her how a deadbolt works and we started talking about the strike and she just blurted that out that the money thing is fake news . So Pam's thing is that if the teachers do not come back, she wants to fire all of them, which I agree with, but I don't know where we are going to get the new teachers from. Pam said that's just it, the whole thing is that we let the district collapse, and then there wont be any more public schools for the kids in the district and then the kids can all start stitching soccer balls together and earning money for their upkeep and she said we will all be seen as heroes. I think I will feel sad if the district goes away because I like being the board president. Maybe Pam will give me a staff job if she ever gets elected to anything else.

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